If it is so damaging to be an HSM pretending not to be sensitive, what is an HSM to do?
Everybody's experience is different, and I cannot possibly know what it is like to walk in your shoes. All I can do is relate my own story, adding in a word or two from other Sensitive Men I have met.
Many times, I have attempted to explain the process by which I changed from my old paradigm, to accepting a new paradigm as an HSM. I used to describe the process as "divorcing my public ego." However, since any "ego investment" I had in the old paradigm was "fake" and never "real" to begin with, that phrase only makes partial sense.
Not long ago, I finally heard some new perspectives that helped fine-tune the explanation, retrospectively: My change was from "Approval-Based Decision Making" to "Needs-Based Decision Making." The idea of "divorcing my ego" still holds some truth-- I had made a shift from "external validation" to "internal validation." This changed my self- perception-- a simplistic example: Instead of thinking "I am Peter, I will be a well-known writer!" I was now thinking "I am Peter, I really love to write!"
My internal dialogue had changed. Instead of writing with the purpose of getting some "result," I was now writing as the "result," with any further accolades being purely coincidental.
Writing is just an example, in this case-- you could substitute in an number of issues from your daily life. I also cover this principle in more detail, in the "work" section.
I think it is in our nature-- whether we're sensitive, or not-- to seek some form of "public" approval for who we are, and what we do. We're taught that "leadership" and "seeking the limelight" is how we should define success. However-- and I think this is especially true for HS Men-- doing something purely for approval ends up feeling empty. I say "especially" for HSM, because I think they feel particularly at odds with the societal perception of "how one should be." But the approval ends up feeling like the infamous "solicted apology:" Sure, someone apologized to you, but they were merely spoken words that didn't come from a "heart place." We "got what we wanted," but we still feel empty. Not surprising: As HSM, we desire to be acknowledged as human BE-ings but the approval we get is for our efforts as human DO-ings.
As I said this is difficult to explain. Along with letting go of the conventional yardsticks used to measure men, comes the freedom to also "choose your friends carefully." Part of my process involved parting ways with a number of people I had known as "friends" under my old paradigm. As an HSP, that was a difficult thing to do-- after all, most HSPs do not have an easy time making friends. The question above, however, is answered by the fact that I choose to no longer have people in my life who think ill of my sensitivity. And that is only part of a long process for me-- as I pursue an ongoing "Journey to the Self."
I found a way to be at peace with being a Highly Sensitive Man, perhaps driven by the fact that years of "faking it," as something I was not, simply felt bad. Getting to where I am now required me to almost completely re-invent myself. Along with that, I had to sever a whole lot of old relationships, ideas, habits and thoughts. And maybe that's what it takes, to break away from what Elaine Aron describes as the "Boy's Club." Because, in my opinion, Highly Sensitive Men are not a good fit for membership in that particular club.
